During this time, I realized some important things about myself. I have always loved kids more than anything. My greatest goal my entire life was to be a mom. I've never felt the "selfish" feelings of wanting to carefully guard my newlywed years from the trials of having children. (This is not meant to say that that is a bad feeling; it's just not one that my husband and I experienced.)
However, I love my quiet time. I love sitting around while reading a book. Furthermore, since being married I have thoroughly enjoyed my time alone with Justin. I love waking up with him on a Saturday morning and lounging in bed. I love sitting around with him playing games or watching TV. I also like finishing dinner and not feeling rushed to clean up the kitchen, because we're on our own schedule.
I have to admit, there have been a couple of moments where I worry about how I'll feel having a baby (possibly two), and then a toddler(s), and then multiple children running around my house stealing my personal time and my time away from Justin.
Last October we looked after Lucy's older sisters, Claire and Mia, who are 9 and 6. I really noticed how our life changed when they stayed with us. Because of their ages we couldn't have our normal conversations in front of them. We also couldn't watch the TV shows we wanted, because we only have one TV (I gave our second TV to my brother, because he had none). The girls adore both me and Justin, so they demanded a lot of our attention. I truly enjoyed having them, but it was very apparent that having school-aged children would drastically affect our lives. This didn't affect our desire to have kids right away, but it did continue to cross my mind every once in awhile.
I should also point out here that I'm kind of lazy. I don't like going on bike rides or going to the park. I was like this even as a kid. I just like to stay home most of the time. So the thought of all of the things you're supposed to do when you have kids - take them to playgrounds, take them swimming, take them to sports, take them to museums, etc - gave me a teensy bit of worry. What if I didn't enjoy myself doing those things? I'd do them for my kids, but what if I didn't like it?
Having Lucy totally allayed my fears. I loved doing things with her, and she's not even my own kid! I loved taking her grocery shopping, colouring with her, playing in the yard with her, and taking her to two different playgrounds. I didn't even mind as she hopped from one piece of playground equipment to the next - like a little ADHD child - and I followed along. I had the best time doing these activities!
While Justin and I did have less time alone, we could still have many of our normal conversations in front of her. Most of the time she didn't even care what we were talking about. Furthermore, she can't spell (Justin, I need to get Lucy in her p-a-j-a-m-a-s and then I'll bring her down to cuddle before she goes to b-e-d).
I'm so glad we had Lucy for those few days. Not only did she distract us from our incredibly stressful situation, but she gave us a great taste of parenthood. And we are now even more sure that we will love and embrace it with everything that we have.
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